What do you want?
7/22/98
The time was early June 1989. While many of my woes were behind me, I was still in a state of depression and fatigue. I was working hard, and making almost no progress at rebuilding my life. My daughter was now living with her mom, I was still staying at my dad's house. To be very realistic, life was still the pits.
Then one day I was talking to my friend Fred. I asked him if he really thought that my life was ever going to get any better. To this he asked one question.
" What do you want?" I said, " what do you mean, what do I want?" " What do you want?" "I want what everybody else wants Fred, I want to be happy!" He asked again, "What do you want.""I don't know, I just know whatever it is, I don't have it."
He asked, " What do you want?" I said, " I don't know." "exactly" He said. " How do you expect God to give you what you want, when you don't even know what it is that you want?"I was stunned. I had never actually thought of God that way. God knows all our needs before we ask. God is supposed to know everything. I told Fred, " I pray, and I try to ask for things in my life, changes, strength, forgiveness, surely God knows what I want."
"Does He?" Fred asked. "Or is your mind so filled with ramblings and scattered thoughts that listening to your thoughts are like listening to 12 different TV stations all at the same time and trying to make sense of what everyone is saying?"Then he said. " Look, your mind is in no condition to trust that you are able to send a clear focussed message to anyone. Forget your forgiveness for now. Forget your Christian beliefs and ideas you have been raised to hold onto, and get real. Be you and not what you think you are, not who you want to be, or who you have been told you are, just be completely selfish and honest. Then write a letter to God and tell Him what you need and want."
Now Fred was a good old boy and had lived through the school of hard knocks. From the first time we met, which was about 8 months ago, he has always spoken exactly what he thought. A real "bottom line" personality. Sometimes I had wished he would add a little sugar with his medicine, but had never proven him wrong, yet. He had helped me through some really difficult times and had done so by being frank and painfully honest with me at all times.
"Well, I don't know Fred, I have always tried to not be selfish, and look out for others."
"Bull! " Fred said. "What" I asked in amazement?" ( Now you know what I meant by a little sugar. ) He said "bull. Everyone thinks that. Humans always want to believe that, but it is almost impossible to do. We are human, and everything we do has an underlying purpose that serves us." "Your wrong Fred, there are many people out there who willingly suffer everyday in service to others. They struggle to survive themselves, yet they are always giving." "Right " He said." But they do it for themselves too. They feel a need to suffer, or do without, or to serve others. While what they do is very good they need that life to be themselves, or who they think they are, or who they want to be. But you can rest assured, they do it for themselves too. Now don't think I am trying to put them down, I most certainly am not, but humans need to suffer sometimes too, even if to only be more thankful when we are doing well."I had never thought about people that way. I always looked for the good in a person, but must admit I had seen many times when a person seemed to do something for one reason, only to learn they had a hidden agenda. Right now though I was too charged to think this philosophy through, I would have to look at this from all angles before I could accept that broad statement as any kind of reality. I had to admit that I had learned a while back, that it was true for me, at least sometimes. Read Gods love I would have to accept his viewpoint for now as having at least some validity. Besides, he had already brought my curiosity to a peak, and I was wanting him to get to the meat on his solution to my problem.
"Ok" I said, " So what do I do now, admit I am selfish and tell God just how selfish I am?"
"No" he said," That is more Christian type thinking, and has little to do with what is needed here. God already knows you are selfish, He just wants you to admit it and be honest with Him. If you ain't Daniel, then don't fall on your face on a prayer blanket every night. Be honest with your relationship, no two kids are the same, not to you as a parent, and certainly not to God."
"Now, since your mind is still scattered and unfocussed, just accept that as a reality for now. Then get a notepad. On this notepad, leave out everything concerning people's names, everything Christian or Biblical, and just get as selfish and greedy, and as human as you can get. No guilt, no judgement, no worries about such thoughts either. This is between you and God, and He does not need you to keep putting up a front for His benefit. Besides, nobody else will ever know or be harmed by your actions here, so there can be no reason not to."
"Right. So, What do I do after I get my notepad, drop all my judgements, and get selfish?"
Before you start, pray for God to help you in this process. Ask Him to guide your thoughts and help you to make the best choices and to select the right words to use in the descriptions of your needs.
Get a notepad, you will only need a few pages, so any pad will do.
Forget everything you ever thought of, were told about, or theories of yourself and just be honest.
Be selfish, most important, even to the point of greedy, but most of all be completely honest.
Write a list of everything you can think of you want right now.
1 I would like to have a new house. (later you will describe in more detail)
2 I want two cars so I can have one for normal stuff, but a truck to play with.
3 I want to have a ski mobile for the Winter months.
4 I want to have a better job that pays at least $800.00 a week.
5 I want to have my own swimming pool. (also a house detail later)
Now that you are listing EVERYTHING, spend a couple of days adding to this list. Like in item number 5 above, ( swimming pool ) do not yet worry about organizing items, just list them. Try to cover every area of life, Home life, Work life, Church life, Hobbies, everything.
After you have listed everything, (should be at least 3 days after the start) begin to organize your list and place items in the areas they belong. Like the swimming pool is listed WITH the house as a detail.
Now that everything is better organized, go back and see if there are any ideas you missed. Like I want a three car garage, home office space, my job should be in the field of (whatever).
The next step is to make sure you can answer WHY to everything you want. As you begin to ask why, do not judge. If the answer is "Because I want to be able to swim after work" that is fine. There is no such word as guilt, selfish, pride, or greed at this time or in this event, just honesty with yourself.
Now weed out the things you do not really want, or that you cannot come up with a reason to want it. Just wanting something is OK, but most things should have better reasons attached.
Example. I want to have a better job that pays $800.00 a week.Now, Why limit your weekly income? Do you want to have to work 80 hours a week to earn $800. ? How far should you travel for this job? What area of the world should this job be located in ? Where is your house going to be, should it not be close to your work too?
You don't want the job for money, you want the money. You really don't want the money, you want the security, or things, or benefits it gives you. You do not all the things, you want to be content, at peace, comfortable, and able to do whatever you decide to do without money being a limitation.
Perhaps you could edit the request like this.
I want to have all of my financial needs and desires met in advance with a financial cushion of savings so I will never have to be dependant on anyone else for my financial security.
Now I can remove the 800.00 a week job limitation, and perhaps a few others as well.
Go through the list and with each group find a better way to say exactly what it is you really want. I found my list drop from 5 pages to only one.
Now got your list ? Have you checked it twice, or even twelve times ? Now it is time to deliver the letter.
As I created my list I found it really helped me to see where I was, and how scattered my thoughts, and life really had been. I thought I wanted many things that once I thought about them, I did not want. Things that if I had them I would never use, or wanted this to go with that, and now I didn't want what that was so I didn't need this either. (simple huh?) This help alone was worth the effort, and I was tempted to stop here, but I had agreed to follow through the entire process, so I continued.
The next step is to write a letter to God, and tell Him everything on this list.
I felt this was silly. God already knows, this is not what I would say is right, asking God for all these worldly or physical things, but I was at a point in life that I would try anything that had a chance of making positive changes in my life. Besides, if God is trying to make sense out of the thoughts of my mind, then writing this letter will help me to focus on those thoughts and be much clearer in my mind of what I want. I also want to leave room for God to improve upon my requests so they can be better tailored for my needs of the future, that only God knows about.
Did you finish your letter? If so, you are now ready for the final two steps.
First DELIVER IT.
Read and re-read your letter several times, make sure it is exactly what you want to say. You may even let it lay and come back in a few hours or the next day to read it again. Once you have done this, Prayerfully seek the presence of God. You may refer to this presence as the closeness of the Holy Spirit, or the company of Jesus, however you would think about it is fine. You have done it before, and I cannot explain exactly what or where that is for you.
Now prayerfully read this letter to God. Attempt to know that He is listening and in your very presence, at least as best you can. Any degree of success here is OK, and you cannot fail. Once done, quietly sit a moment or two and just allow yourself to listen in your mind. You may or may not experience anything, but I think it is always good to give God a chance to answer anytime we talk to Him. We would do the same for other people, why not Our own Father.
Now the last step. Fold the letter and put it away. It should be in a safe place where you can find it or stumble upon it a few months in the future.
Well, I did it! I wrote the letter. I placed mine on top of a bookshelf, and forgot all about it until I found it 6 months later.
I have provided a copy of the words I used in my letter.My letter to God
Dear Father,
I do not wish to go through life alone. But as You know, I have made wrong choices in the past and do not wish to make them again. You know who is best for me, and who you want me to be with. I ask You Father to choose my mate for me this time.
I do not feel like dating Father, I am tired of playing the game, so I ask that you bring her to me here, at the store.
I would like for my mate to desire to know You and Your Truth above all else. I want us to be willing to accept Your Truth no matter what it is, and to know it is Your Truth when we do. I want us to be willing to go anywhere and do anything necessary to be all You would have us to be, without limitations. I want her to desire to serve You with me forever.
I would like for this person to be attractive and for her to have a personality acceptable to others so we can associate without fear or problems. I also want her to see me as attractive and desirable to her, and everything she would want in a mate too.
I would like for me and my mate to be able to be together 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, even in the same room without desiring to be apart. I also want us both to be able to be apart if need be and be able to function perfectly well without the others presence.
I want my mate to be intelligent and wise, and capable of sustaining herself without my help, yet be willing to work with me as a team and partner.
I would like for this mate to be trustworthy, and loyal, to You, and to her husband and family. I want to be able to trust her in any circumstances we may have to face without concern for her health, safety, or loyalty.
I would also like to have a house on a beautiful body of water. I want a large house, fancy, similar to one like one would see in Heath Row. (Heath Row is a fancy gated community with expensive homes)
I want three cars, one for work, one for my wife, and an extra. ( I figured anyone could have two cars, but if it was from God, three would not be a problem either.)
I want my business to be able to be a part of my service to You. I want to be able to do whatever it is I do in Your service. I want to enjoy doing this, and if I must travel or live anywhere else in the world, I want to be ready for it and enjoy being there.
I want to know You. I want to know the Truth. I want to know the secretes of the universe, and I want You to teach me. I want to know Your Will for me at any given time and know what I must do to fulfill it.
I want my life to be full of all the peace, love, harmony, and joy that You know how to provide. I want to do whatever it is You would have me to do, be it what I would consider good or bad as an experience, but I want to enjoy it if possible.
Father I hope this gives You all the information You need to understand what I am trying to say. I know and trust You will fill in the blanks and details I have left open for my highest good and joy.
Thank You Father for all these things.
Your loving son,
Lewis Like I said, I did it. You may be most interested in the outcome too, I was truly amazed. But, that is as they say " another story " and not done yet. I will post it though as soon as it is. If you wish, you may look for it titled simply as " The Spiritual Setup". Simple Truth Main Page