How neat. God loves his children so much,

   It was a cool winter night in November of 1988. As I had become accustom to, I was taking my 11:00 PM. walk along a small country road next to my Fathers house. Although we lived in central Florida, it was still quite cool, and I can still remember the mosquitoes were out in force. I have walked many miles up and down this 1/2 mile stretch of road over the last few months, for this is where I came to talk to God. Here, I could be alone, except for a car every hour or two, and I could tell God everything.

   I was in the middle of a Biblical Job (Jobe) experience which had been going on for over a year. During this time I watched, kicking and screaming, while everything I had spent most of my life building, was taken away, or destroyed. I had finally been reduced to moving back home to live with my Father. By this time, all was already gone, and I was sure God had done it all. I say this is where I talked to God, but yelled is closer to the truth.

   I remember night after night, insisting that God give me an answer. In between asking for forgiveness for my anger, I was doing all within my power to get God to just kill me and get it over with. I was suicidal, yet I knew it was not the answer, but if God struck me with lightning, I would be ok. I watched many thunderstorms pass overhead, but lightning never even came close. I humored myself with the idea that God was having too much fun watching me suffer to stop it. I told him about this planet, all the evil I saw in it, and how he just sit there with his feet propped up on the Earth as his footstool. I told him he couldn't help us because his feet were in the way. I would at the same time, ask him to forgive me, and remove this anger I had. I wanted to feel no anger toward anyone, but if I was to feel it, it would be toward him. I told him if he could not deal with my anger without anyone else getting hurt, then he was in the wrong place. I was blaming God for my life. I took 38 years of anger and frustration out, one night at a time.

   Tonight, I was on a special assignment. I was here for one purpose. I was going to find out once and for all if God was there, and if He loved mankind, and even more, if He loved me. I had overheard someone saying that God was just a "Universal Life Force" and had no personality or concerns for man. If this were true, that would explain many things, but it would also mean all life was a lie. I had to know for sure.

   "I have heard, you are just a cosmic force. You don't really have any feelings, and you don't care what we do on a day to day basis. I don't want to believe that, but if it is true, I want to know. I want to know if you love us as people, not just as a part of your creation. I want to know if you love me, as an individual. I want an answer, one way or the other. All my life, I have told you I loved you, and I loved Jesus. I have tried to be more like Jesus, and I have failed, but I have not seen any hope either. Sure I have seen many miracles, but I don't have proof you did any of it. I think you did, and I am these things happened, but I don't know for sure. For 38 years, I have tried to have faith, and trust."

I spent over three hours, pleading this question, covering all the loopholes, so I was sure God understood exactly what I wanted. The more I spoke, the more anger and desperation filled my being. What if God doesn't care? What is he doesn't answer? What if he is answering, but I can't hear him? Am I really ready for the truth? Can I accept the truth, no matter what? I continued.

"I have always told others how greatly I loved you, and only now do I know, I lied. I do not love you. I do not love Jesus. I don't like you, I don't even know you." At this point I remember my mind racing, sorting my thoughts which seemed to move so quickly they were a blur mixed with tears and sweat. I just realized that it was not important to me if I loved God. I didn't really care if I loved Jesus. When I really face the Human Truth and looked at the bigger picture of reality and honesty, none of these mattered to me one bit. The only thing I was interested in, The only thing that mattered, and the one thing my whole future, and the future of all existence depended upon, is did God love me. It was so vivid now, that if God did somehow love me, then He could indeed love anyone, and everyone. Our only hope for existence is based on this possibility. What if it was a lie? What if there was no answer, how could I possibly go on with life?

" All my life I have prayed to you, at least most of the time, but I have never heard any answer from you! I don't feel a warm feeling inside! I don't hear a still small voice, and I don't see anything in dreams or any other way! I want to know if you love me. If you cannot prove to me you love me, then I will never speak of you to anyone again. I will never pray or talk to you again. I will never again say the name of Jesus, or God. We are finished! As a matter of fact, I am not sure why I am speaking to you now. As a matter of fact, I think this discussion is about over. If you can't convince me that you care, I mean really care about your children. If you can't convince me that you really care and love me as an individual, not because You created me, not for anything I have done, or will do in the future, but just because I exist, as Lewis, a single worthless piece of crap human being that I am. If you can't convince me that you love all of us as individuals, then we are finished, we're done, we're through!"

I was being honest with God. I was not a Christian, I was Human. I was telling God exactly how I felt, all my fear, my anger, and I was not pulling any punches. I wanted God to come down in all His Glory, or His anger, or with His might, however He chose, but come down. I was willing at that moment to face whatever He sent, man or Angel, demon or God Himself, face to face, one on one, eyeball to eyeball, and if need be fight to the finish or be vaporized into a puff of nothingness, and I didn't really care which.

   "I want a sign. A real sign, I know we are not suppose to ask for signs, but I want one. I don't mean just a coincidence, where someone walks up and says "By the way, what ever you had been asking, God told me to tell you yes." I don't want to pick up the newspaper and read on the headlines, "God said yes". I want a sign, for me, between me and You, no-one else. A sign just for me, that I will know came from you, and it cannot be an accident, or coincidence. I want to know, if you give a sh...!"

   At that instant, the star I was staring at, appeared to rush toward me. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see light growing brighter. As I looked down at my feet, I could see my shadow. I looked across a field to my right, and I could see the trees a mile away. I watched, as this star grew into a large ball of golden light. Not orange, or yellow, like the flames of the space shuttle, I had seen night launches before, but gold. This ball kept growing until it appeared to be the same diameter of our sun, but of a 24 karat gold light, about the brightness of a very bright full moon night. After about 10 seconds, it rose upward and to the left, in a large arc, leaving a trail of golden glittering light behind it like a comets tail. When it stopped, it became a large golden star, like the way we used to draw stars when I was a kid.

Then in my mind, I saw a projection of a very clear image of me as a small boy of about 6 years of age. In this vision, I was looking down over the boys right shoulder and could clearly see that I was holding a Christmas card in my hands. It had a hillside sloping down from the right to the left, with three shepherd men standing there. On the foot of the hill, there was a small flock of sheep They were all looking up in the sky. There in the sky, was the star of Bethlehem. It was a golden star, arcing upward and to the left, with a stream of golden light behind it, just as I was now seeing above me. I heard me, as this small boy saying, "How neat, God loves his children so much, that he even gave them a sign."

Still filled with doubt, and anger, I said. "That is a sign? Then instantly, I said, I will take that one. That is great, that is fantastic, thank you." I spent much of the next few hours giving praise and asking forgiveness for ever doubting.

How great God is.

He used me, as the small child, in two ways. First, was to show me how this was indeed "My sign". Second, He used me the small child, to delivered me the big child, God's answer, without God saying one word. The truth was within me all along, I had just forgotten. I still make mistakes. I still have trials in my life. But since that time, I have dedicated all my time to finding and serving God in all ways. I know God loves me. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt, that God loves you. I know with all my being, I will never doubt God's magnificent love again.

This was to be only the beginning. As I reflect back on that night, and listen to the tapes I recorded as my diary during that time period, I have seen even more of God's greatness and love, and how He loves and teaches each one of us individually. Many things happened after that night, and I was shown and taught many things that I will share with you. But, that so to speak, is another story.

09/08/94

Lewis